I had to die before the start. If you can see what I'm talking about. My past, personality, everyday life...
I was ready to the suicide in any variant and this one was the wisest. I didn't truely understand what it was but I was clever enough to understand that I was too stupid for life.
It wasn't the best decision to leave my family, to leave him. I knew it would hurt them too much. Maybe I'd better stayed on that level and just did my best but I was afraid that then I'd hurt them even more 'cause 'my best' in that period was too little.
Anyway, I did what I did.